7 Must-Dos When Preparing Your Kid for Kindergarten

Friday, February 3rd, 2012. Filed under: Uncategorized

Sampa Kid with Blocks

Starting elementary school is an alarming, unrelenting descent into hell for many kids.  They go from the loving cocoon of parental affection to a place where breaking a crayon could get a bitch cut (probably with safety scissors, but still…)

Your kid will be bulletproof at school, however, if he’s seen, heard and experienced it all before – especially if he’s seen, heard and experienced it all at the hands of the people he trusts most: his parents!

You’ve nurtured him for five years, now it’s time for some tough love.  Take off the training wheels –shit’s about to get real.

Below are 7 essential steps you MUST take if you want your kid to be a success in Kindergarten and beyond.

1. Hang him on a bathroom hook by his underoos.

It’s never too early to learn about the cruel world of wedgies.  What your child experiences in pain is more than made up for by the knowledge that he’s entirely at the mercy of those bigger and stronger.   SEE ALSO:  SWIRLY.

2. Make fun of his name.

And be creative!  Kids are.  My brother’s name is Nick… He got Nick the Dick, Nick the Prick, Nichol the Pickle, Nick is Sick, Nick the Pick-er of Noses, Nidiot, Doofus and Fred – and those were just from me.  He’s grown up to be a very well-adjusted adult (except for the Aquanet huffing addiction).

3. Give your kid lunch money, then sucker punch him and take it back.

If your kid thinks he’s ever eating in elementary school, I’ve got some Oceanfront property in Arizona to sell him.  Lucky for him, he has loving parents willing to mug him before that fat third-grader down the street gets the chance.  Trust me – one day, he’ll thank you.

4. Fart, then yell “if you smelt it, you dealt it!”

Fairly self-explanatory, but timing is everything.  The sandbox, an elevator, church.  Actually, T-ball teams make nice audiences…

5. Ask him why he won’t stop hitting himself.

Stick-to-itiveness is key here.  It only works if you’re committed to spending a good five minutes forcing the kid to knock himself in the noggin’.  And don’t forget the taunting.  ALSO SEE:  TWO FOR FLINCHING.

6. Mock his ability to read.

We all know only nerds read.  Do you want your kid to be a nerd?  I didn’t think so.  Curtail this dangerous behavior by forcing him to play endless hours of Grand Theft Auto.  He’ll learn valuable social lessons (like how to get a virtual lap dance) while diverting his attention from free ebook download dorkdom.

7. Have a family kickball draft and pick him last.

“The cat sure CAN play kickball!  Stop sniveling!  You’ll be picked after we draft your great-grandmother and the Roomba.”

Warning: If you follow the steps above, your child will most likely need therapy in later life.  Start saving up for the shrink.  Or make the little bastard get a job.

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