How to Make Your Kid a Serial Killer in 3 Easy Steps
Some parents dream of their child being president. Others imagine their kid’s professional baseball career or tenure as a NASA scientist. Me? I dream my son – my beautiful, bright-eyed boy – will become a serial killer.
Now, not everyone’s cut out to be a homicidal maniac. Like any other skill, it requires inclination, aptitude and practice… Not to mention lots of plastic sheeting and an uncanny knack for fitting body parts in refrigerators.
Why make my kid a serial killer, you ask? Well, at best, I’ll get a Lifetime movie and an Oprah special; at worst, an exciting story to share at cocktail parties and Bar Mitzvahs! (“You wouldn’t believe how many people my son has killed. So prolific.”)
To that end, there are three major predictors of future socio- and psychopathic behavior: 1.) setting fires, 2.) wetting the bed and 3.) cruelty toward animals.
Sure, some unimaginative psychologists call them “warning signs,” but I consider these essential steps in little Johnny’s evolution from “normal kid” to “murderous genius.”
Therefore, I cannot leave his education to chance. Just like Tiger Woods’ overbearing father, I am training my child from earliest infancy to strike without empathy or remorse. But where Tiger’s dad used a golf club, I will use a club-club.
Come on Baby, Light My Fire
One of the major predictors of future blood lust is the setting of fires in childhood. It doesn’t really matter what they set on fire, just be certain they torch something. Dollies, outhouse sheds, Grandma’s wig – all are perfectly flammable objects. (Bonus points if Grandma’s head is still IN Grandma’s wig.)
The Wetter the Better
Another “quality” future serial killers exhibit is the frequent wetting of beds into adolescence and beyond. Maybe there’s something comforting about a warm messing of the sheets – or maybe they’re just screwing with whoever does the laundry. Either way, urinating in slumber should be encouraged as much as possible. If your child appears particularly averse to this, slip a few Ambiens into his juice box and wait for the inevitable conclusion.
Time for Taxidermy or Why Bags of Kittens Make Good Anchors
Jeffrey Dahmer. John Wayne Gacy, Jr. Ted Bundy. What do these greats have in common? Why, animal torture of course! Nothing says “I’m really committed to slaughter” like butchering up a few friendly four-legged creatures. It may take you a few tries before Junior’s willing to slice and dice himself – but don’t lose heart. Anything worth doing is worth doing right.
And serial killing isn’t just for the gentlemen. If you have a girl, don’t despair! Just look to shining beacons of female malevolence like Aileen Wuornos or Elizabeth Bathory. (The former liked to plug her Johns full of lead, while the latter’s beauty regimen demanded bathing in the blood of virgins. Take that, Oil of Olay.)
I hope this has been helpful to all the parents-of-future-nuts out there. Keep your eye on the prize! Clear eyes. Full hearts. Can’t lose.
And one day, when my Johnny meets his fate in the electric chair (or lethal injection or gas chamber or firing squad – thanks Utah!) expect to see me in the front row – the proud parent whose wildest dreams for her son have come true.
WARNING: Do not try this at home. Serial killing is wrong.