6 Reasons Child Labor is the Only Labor worth Having

Tuesday, July 31st, 2012. Filed under: Parenting Advice Uncategorized

Child Labor etching

People always talk about 6-year-olds working in coal mines like that was a bad thing.

But those tunnels were narrow; a grown-up would have gotten stuck.  That’s called problem-solving, y’all.

Did these bleeding-heart “children’s advocates” want everyone to be cold?  Didn’t they see Jim Carrey’s “A Christmas Carol”?  Shit got chilly back then.  Coal was kinda essential.  Stupid Bob Cratchit was always on about it.

So long story short: Whoever thought about dumping those little monsters down the shaft was a damn genius.  I don’t use the word “hero” often, but…

Below are 6 amazingly brilliant rationales for using rug rats as a labor force.  Feel free to disagree with me in the comments, but I won’t read them.

1.     Lack of Mobility

Have you tried to escape in a Radio Flyer lately?  Not so easy.  Since anyone under 16 is prohibited from driving, a workforce of children is at your mercy.  YOU determine their mobility.  Leave free will to the bleeding hearts – draconian dictates are just good business.  Don’t let anyone tell you different.

2.     Disciplinary Action

Once people reach 90 pounds or so, they become entirely unmanageable.  They start to believe they’ve been endowed with “inalienable rights” which apparently extend to fair treatment, respect and protection from bodily injury.  For this reason, hiring these bloated fatsos is ill-advised.

Always ask yourself:  if you had to go “Gangs of New York” on your worker, how many sucker punches would it take to knock him on his ass?  Correct answer = 1.  Anything else is unacceptable.  Not to mention, spankings don’t qualify as assault and battery.  Well, check that last part with a lawyer.

3.     Health Care

You know what happens to old people?  They BREAK.  And somehow, as their employer, that becomes YOUR problem.  Kids, on the other hand, trip into empty swimming pools, face-plant off swing-sets and fall down abandoned wells – but keep on truckin’.

Every malady can be solved with an ice pack.  You can kiss and make practically anything better.  My advice to you?  Keep your costs for health care low by refusing to provide any.

4.     Economy

Whereas adults expect actual non-counterfeit, spendable dollars, you can pay the mini-mes in Legos and Goldfish crackers.  If that fails, try Monopoly money – everyone yearns for that Free Parking cheddar.

5.     Union Schmunion

You think these kids have seen “Norma Rae”?  Being unaware of pesky “labor laws,” the impressionable youngsters will believe anything you tell them.

And if get the really young ones who are yet to understand time, they’ll have no idea whether a work day is eight hours or 18.

6.     Fringe Benefits

There’s no need to supply lunch – snot’ll do.

Following these simple steps ensures your business will thrive, while giving the adults more time to get drunk and have ill-advised sex with strangers.  Or run for president.  Or both.

You’re welcome, America.

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