5 Reasons All Children Should Drink (and As Soon As Possible)

Wednesday, August 29th, 2012. Filed under: Parent Fails Uncategorized

Young Girl Drinking Wine

America has a MAJOR problem.

Our children don’t drink.

Consequently, they grow up fascinated by the mystique of alcohol and, at first opportunity, go out and act like jackasses on spring break, playing strip Jenga whilst licking cheap tequila off Mexican hookers.  Do you want your son or daughter playing strip Jenga whilst licking cheap tequila off Mexican hookers?  I thought not.

To that end, I present 5 REASONS ALL CHILDREN SHOULD DRINK (and as soon as possible).  Prepare for the inevitable mind explosion…

Reason #1: Behavior control

We all know kids can be a tad rambunctious.  And we all know alcohol is an amazing demotivator. (Perhaps not quite as good as pot, but that’s another article.)  Why wait for adulthood to instill complacency?  Early and often, I say.  Who has the gumption to magic marker your Louboutins when there are shots of Patron ready for sippy-cup consumption?

Reason #2: Drowsiness

Naps are infinitely easier to arrange when your kid is passed out.  Plane flights?  Easy peasy.  Movies?  No more worrying about the kid asking distracting questions during sex scenes.  (“Why is that man touching that lady’s hoo-ha?”)  When you need a little Me Time, consider giving Junior a little Long Island Iced Tea Time.

Reason #3: Tolerance

I really wish I drank more as a child.  As it is, I have the tolerance of a 19th Century Native American Mormon midget.  Maybe if I’d done more Irish Car Bombs at my 1st Communion, I’d be able to get through a box of wine without retching.  I blame my parents.  They were the height of selfish, keeping the good shit for themselves while waterboarding me with Hawaiian Punch.

Reason #4: Packs on poundage

No longer do you have to count solely on Cheetos to make your kid into a butterball.  (Phew.)  Alcohol is incredibly caloric – especially the fruity drinks the kids’ll dig.  Think of the money you’ll save on athletics fees, equipment and uniforms if little Bobby or Sarah is too fat to abandon the barstool.

Reason #5: Worldliness

You think James Bond’s non-existent children don’t drink?  You can be certain they are shaken and stirred.  All those socialists in Europe let their kids drink… and America’s better than a bunch of damn foreign, non-American-speaking socialists, right?  It is your patriotic duty to encourage – nay, FORCE – your beloved spawn to imbibe.  I mean, it’s 2012 people.  If now isn’t the time for 4-year-olds to start drinking, I don’t know when is.

Apocalypses shouldn’t be faced sober.


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