10 Ways to Punish Your Kids (Without Leaving Bruises)

Wednesday, April 25th, 2012. Filed under: Uncategorized

Cute Kid to Punish

Punishment is a tricky subject to discuss with most parents.  While some think a belt’s secondary purpose is to keep pants up, others feel that mere sarcasm warrants a CPS visit (those people, of course, are morons).

How can one discipline their child without inviting a visit from the Bleeding Heart Gestapo?

Below are 10 methods of scaring the bejesus out of a little monster while keeping that Class E felony off your rap sheet.  Because let’s be honest, sometimes these kids are just asking for it.


Pros:  Can be easily adapted to backtalk (rubber / glue, anyone?).  Maintains its efficacy against a slammed door.

Cons:  Inferior performance at weekly karaoke.  Neighbors can testify.

Withholding Food

Pros:  Time-tested method of dealing with sass—“No dinner for you, Missy!”  For a husky kid, it can have a nice pound-shaving side effect.

Cons:  May put child in worse mood.  Wasted food.  (HELLO STARVING CHILDREN IN AFRICA!  I’M NOT A MONSTER!)

Rationing the Bathroom

Pros:  More time for bathing.  Decreased toilet paper expenditure.  Eco-friendly.

Con:  Clean-up after an “accident.”

Locking in the Closet

Pros:  You have the rest of the house to yourself.    No one ever died in a closet… Well, no one I knew personally.

Cons:  Short-term victory may be mitigated by long-term therapy bills.  And what if you need some linens?

Threatening Suicide

Pros:  Nice ego boost if they cry.  You’ll have a great story to tell at bowling next Tuesday.

Con:  The little bastard may call your bluff.

Threatening Homicide

Pros: Super-effective if Daddy’s more popular than you.  Requires few resources.

Con: Not everyone sees the humor in a death threat.  We call these people “judges.”

Give Them Two for Flinching… and then Two for Flinching on Each of Those… and So Forth Ad Infinitum

Pro:  Can teach your child about exponents, improving math grade.

Con:  Requires consistency and physical effort from you.

Telling Them about Santa, the Tooth Fairy and the Ending of “The Sixth Sense”

Pro:  No more Christmas season body-checking at the Target trying to score some dumb Bratz doll.

Con:  No Tooth Fairy? Your budding capitalist may lose their nascent profit motive.  You wouldn’t want ‘em to end up being a Pinko Commie, would you?

Taking Them Shopping for New Bathroom Tile

Pro:  It’s insanely boring.  Mind-numbingly, head-smackingly, screwdriver-in-the-eye, I’d-rather-be-Xeroxing-the-phonebook boring.

Con:  You have to be there.

Telling Them They Were Adopted… By Parents Who Loved Them…
Then Given Back to You

Pros:  Anything verbal is incredibly hard to prove.  HEARSAY!  You raise ‘em up, then you drop ‘em down!  What a roller-coaster ride of drama!

Con:  Some people might think it’s mean.  We call these people “tools.”


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