10 Ways to Punish Your Kids (Without Leaving Bruises)
Punishment is a tricky subject to discuss with most parents. While some think a belt’s secondary purpose is to keep pants up, others feel that mere sarcasm warrants a CPS visit (those people, of course, are morons).
How can one discipline their child without inviting a visit from the Bleeding Heart Gestapo?
Below are 10 methods of scaring the bejesus out of a little monster while keeping that Class E felony off your rap sheet. Because let’s be honest, sometimes these kids are just asking for it.
Pros: Can be easily adapted to backtalk (rubber / glue, anyone?). Maintains its efficacy against a slammed door.
Cons: Inferior performance at weekly karaoke. Neighbors can testify.
Pros: Time-tested method of dealing with sass—“No dinner for you, Missy!” For a husky kid, it can have a nice pound-shaving side effect.
Cons: May put child in worse mood. Wasted food. (HELLO STARVING CHILDREN IN AFRICA! I’M NOT A MONSTER!)
Rationing the Bathroom
Pros: More time for bathing. Decreased toilet paper expenditure. Eco-friendly.
Con: Clean-up after an “accident.”
Locking in the Closet
Pros: You have the rest of the house to yourself. No one ever died in a closet… Well, no one I knew personally.
Cons: Short-term victory may be mitigated by long-term therapy bills. And what if you need some linens?
Pros: Nice ego boost if they cry. You’ll have a great story to tell at bowling next Tuesday.
Con: The little bastard may call your bluff.
Pros: Super-effective if Daddy’s more popular than you. Requires few resources.
Con: Not everyone sees the humor in a death threat. We call these people “judges.”
Give Them Two for Flinching… and then Two for Flinching on Each of Those… and So Forth Ad Infinitum
Pro: Can teach your child about exponents, improving math grade.
Con: Requires consistency and physical effort from you.
Telling Them about Santa, the Tooth Fairy and the Ending of “The Sixth Sense”
Pro: No more Christmas season body-checking at the Target trying to score some dumb Bratz doll.
Con: No Tooth Fairy? Your budding capitalist may lose their nascent profit motive. You wouldn’t want ‘em to end up being a Pinko Commie, would you?
Taking Them Shopping for New Bathroom Tile
Pro: It’s insanely boring. Mind-numbingly, head-smackingly, screwdriver-in-the-eye, I’d-rather-be-Xeroxing-the-phonebook boring.
Con: You have to be there.
Telling Them They Were Adopted… By Parents Who Loved Them…
Then Given Back to You
Pros: Anything verbal is incredibly hard to prove. HEARSAY! You raise ‘em up, then you drop ‘em down! What a roller-coaster ride of drama!
Con: Some people might think it’s mean. We call these people “tools.”