Make Your Kid the Next Face of Childhood Obesity!
Pull out the red hair dye and pencil on some freckles because your daughter could be the next Little Debbie! She’s always said she wants to be associated with constipated tummy aches and early onset childhood diabetes for the rest of her life – right?
Honestly, the Sampa family loves Little Debbie Snack Cakes. I could go for one of those Oatmeal Crème Pies right now! That soft, chewy delight is a bite-sized piece of heaven. Everyone should enjoy a delicious bakery treat every once in a while.
But that’s just the problem with Little Debbie – at $.25 cents a snack cake, this red-haired-silent-assassin is the main supplement to your kid’s school lunch EVERY DAY. When I was in Jr. High, my two-dollar lunch allowance went toward an Oatmeal Crème Pie, a Swiss Roll, and a Cosmic Brownie with just enough left over for a Sprite. I DID THAT EVERY FREAKIN’ DAY. Why? Because it was awesome. Anyone can do the math that three chocolate cakes would fill me up much better than one slice of pizza (plus, the Little Debbie lunch plan made it so I never had to go to the bathroom during my entire tenure at Hamlin Upper Grade Center.) I’m sure there are about two million other twelve-year-old geniuses using the same fill-up-your-tummy logic every day.
What does it really mean to win the Little Debbie Lookalike contest? A board of directors that includes the original Little Debbie (yeah, I can’t believe she’s still alive either) will judge contestants between the ages of four to eight. The judging consists of looks, poise, charm and the ability to capture Little Debbie’s power to make you think these treats have any natural ingredients. The next America’s sweetheart will grace her face on a box of tasty treats and take home a $5,000 scholarship, which is a meager chunk of change when you consider this girl will be the next silent-assassin. Then again, you’ve got to figure Little Debbie knows it’s customer base – there’s no sense giving away enough money to shop at Whole Foods.