Help! My Son Has Bieber Fever!

Canada has had an enormous impact on the world: maple syrup, excellent whiskey, hockey, and of course, Justin Bieber. If you have daughter between the ages of 8 and 14, you’ve probably had to deal with her blasting Justin Bieber’s music at every chance she gets. This is a symptom of Bieber Fever: a condition that causes young people to obsess over the tween sensation, listen to his music at almost every chance they get, and lose focus on everything else. It can range from being a phase to a very serious condition.

Uncontrollable screaming and sobbing at the possibility of seeing the boy in person: a common symptom of Bieber Fever.

Although it is most common and manageable in girls, this condition can affect boys as well. If you have a son that has caught Bieber fever, it is important not to panic. We here in the Sampa family have created a guide of what to do when your son comes down with a case of Bieber fever (scientific term: musicus craptaculous).

The first thing to do is determine if your son’s condition is just a phase or a more serious condition. This is actually rather easy. With our vast amounts of painstaking research (aka assumptions based on stereotypes), we have concluded that, if your son is gay or bisexual, the fever is most likely just a phase. In such cases, your son usually has a celebrity crush which will wane over a short amount of time before he moves on to other celebrities with no talent or awkward yearnings for his straight friends in Gym class.

Most serious cases, however, are in straight boys. In these instances, the fever is not concentrated on Justin Bieber himself, but his actual music. This is THE tell-tale sign of a serious condition and is much harder to break. Because Justin Bieber’s music is so incredibly bad, positive reception towards it is a serious problem that should be addressed immediately.

A serious diagnosis on a level that hasn't been seen since the N Sync outbreak over a decade ago.

When the spectacularly awful music gets to be too much, an increase in exercise and extracurricular activities are encouraged: just make sure you hide his iPod from him so he doesn’t have a relapse. During the night when he is asleep, you may want to put headphones on him and play actual music worth listening too. This increases subliminal messaging and encourages him to explore artists other than Justin Bieber. As a last case scenario, we suggest you take drastic measures such as introducing your son to limited amounts lots of alcohol or something a bit stronger* in an attempt to diminish the condition and distract his attention.

Hopefully, these steps will cure Bieber Fever in your son and his taste in music will make a full recovery.

*Side effects may include a sudden increase in appetite, uncontrollable giggling, blood-shot eyes, and incoherent statements.