Parenting Fail of the Week:Kids MMA, Why Not?

No biting. No eye-gouging. No elbows or blows to the head when the opponent is on the ground. These are the only rules to America’s fastest growing children’s sport – Kids Mixed Martial Arts. This rising activity teaches children important life lessons from leadership and self-defense to emergency first aid. And yet prissy PTA moms claim MMA is human cockfighting.

Do you know how awesome it is to win a cockfight? It takes place in an underground fighting pit amidst the inaudible roar of foreign dialects. Hundreds of intoxicated gambling addicts tossing wads of cash at the bloody mess below them. Now imagine it’s your kid fighting and you just put $50 down on little Johnny to win. Plus, it’s perfectly legal. Ok, the betting part might not be legal, but the underage brain bashing is.

Sure, one might confuse the loser in an MMA match with a high-speed car accident victim but that only strengthens the lesson: DON’T LOSE! What better way to teach your kid to shut up and pay attention than to say, “if you don’t listen, that kid over there is going to kick your ass, and I’m gonna let him.”

I know what you’re thinking. SAMPA glows like a beacon of blinding light for parenting advice, but why are we supporting kids MMA? Isn’t mixed martial arts dangerous?

According to a Johns Hopkins University study, “MMA is at least as safe as boxing, if not safer.” The reasoning behind this “logic” rests on the amount of time a fight can last. In boxing, you’ll typically see two guys beat their brains in for over 30 minutes at a time. Boxers commonly sustain multiple concussions and continue fighting, which doctors argue as a strong correlation to brain injuries.

On the other hand, MMA matches seldom last more than a few minutes. And although anything can happen in the ring, most fights end in a grappling or takedown pose, which has very little risk to a head injury. In fact, the extent of injuries over the last 20 years of mixed martial arts fighting is a few broken bones and dislocated joints.

Bottom line. If your kid wants to fight, you’re better off letting him or her do it in the safe controlled environment of an eight-foot octagon cage match. You’re not a horrible mother for encouraging your kid to go from the “ground and pound” to the “cobra strangle.” Besides, if he gets his ass handed to him the first time out, he just might quit.