V-Day: What Every Parent Should Know

V-Day might as well be D-Day. Forget about candle-lit dinners and string quartets with Mr Sampa… not that Mr Sampa ever tried to woo me by harp and cello. But you know what I mean. As soon as you have kids, your Valentine’s Day is gone. It’s all about them. Keeping the little ones popular with their classmates. Keeping the older ones out of major Valentine’s Day trouble.The Sampa Family has been through it all. Some advice:

If you have children below the age of thirteen

If you have children below the age of thirteen, Valentine’s Day is still defined by classroom art activities, a focus on equality amongst individuals, and big, ornate cards proving the enduring love of elementary school romances. However low-key and not-your-problem this may seem to you, your child’s popularity rests in your hands. Some things you can do to make sure your kid isn’t ridiculed on the playground:

• Actually buy Sampa Jr some freakin’ Valentine’s Day cards. Even the discount box at the grocery store with whatever weirdo cartoon is popular these days. Anything. Don’t forget. Or during “walk around the classroom to hand out cards” time, your kid is going to be sitting at a desk, staring at his or her hands and hating you.
• Go the extra mile and have Sampa Jr be the cool kid in class for once. Buy the candygrams and boxes of Candy Hearts (not the sour kind, the orignial flavored ones) and buy enough for the whole class. Your kid will skyrocket in popularity
• For your kid’s best friends, buy extra special things. Buy the big box of Candy Hearts, or make a cupcake or two. Heck, buy each kid a whole box of confetti frosting and a big spoon. It sounds is gross, but it’s what will make your kid (and also you) awesome.
• For Sampa Jr’s special friend (you know, the one they stare at from across the playground – which means they are totally going out, duh, Mom, what do you think going out is?), go whole hog. Flowers. A hackey sack. A huge bag of candy. A fluffy toy. A mixed CD. A new car. Kids are crazy these days. It’s not like it was when we were kids. These little Jr’s want loot, and lots of it.

If you have children over the age of thirteen

There is a reason that Valentine’s Day has the same initials as veneral disease. Teenagers like sex and, in their youthful eyes, V-day is the perfect day to get down romantic-style. You can either a) do everything you possibly can do prevent this from happening or b) help them make it actually romantic.

Use your best judgment.