The Soccer Mom’s Guide to Fighting like a Hockey Mom

Ah soccer moms, the gentle moms of the sporting moms world. Clad in velour or terry cloth jogging suits a visor or hat, manicures and sensible shoes, they dot the sidelines of any soccer game, having arrived in an SUV of course. But what happens when things get ugly on the sidelines? Nevermind what is going on the field, we all know this game is all about the parents.

So in the spirit of creating a more dynamic side line activity for the ladies of soccer, here’s the guide written by hockey moms for soccer moms on how to defend the honor of their child, the team and explain why those refs are so damn blind AND stupid.

13 Tips from a Total Bad Ass

1.) Sensible jewelry. The first thing another woman will go for is the pulling of the earrings. Wear studs. Wear those 1karat diamond studs you got for Christmas last year if you must, but stay away from hoops and layered necklaces. Ever see a hockey mom wear a pearl necklace or even a dangle of an earring? There’s a reason.

2.) Rings. Rings belong in a separate category, being as they can be used as weapons for and against you. An ill fitting ring will slide from side to side and scrape of your hands. A well fitting ring with a sizable stone will scrape them up.

3.) Attire. A zip front hoodie looks super cute with your matching track pants, but aim for darker colors. A darker color won’t show grass or blood stains as easily and won’t cause you worry as far as ruining your outfit. Ideally an oversized sweatshirt, t-shirt and jeans are the outfit of choice for a hockey mom.

4.) Don’t kick. You’ll look silly unless you’ve been formally trained in martial arts. Nothing gives away the weakness in fighting skills as a half attempted or weak looking kick. A shin kick is great against a man that won’t take no for an answer, but when it comes to fighting the other ladies, keep it up top.

5.) Punching. Know how to throw a couple of good punches. The right cross is a hockey favorite and a good gut punch is also a must. Be sure to twist your hand inwards to the person while you throw the punch. This is to avoid a common injury known as a boxer’s fracture. A boxer’s fracture occurs when you punch directly onto a hard surface and the bones in your hand buckle under the pressure. A right cross is a great way to avoid this.

6.) Blocking. Know how to block a punch. If you’re worried about a black eye or looking worked over, you best learn how to block. A hockey mom cares less about the blocking and more about the punching. A black eye is a badge of honor, so unless you plan on sporting one yourself, learn how to block. Watch a few pro boxing matches. There’s a reason those forearms are up in front of their faces.

7.) Keep shoes tied at all times. Last thing you need is to be dodging a punch and then trip over your laces. This goes for any sport. This also means that flip flops, loafers and kitten heels aren’t the greatest sideline footwear attire either.

8.) Know how to trash talk. If you dish it out verbally and correctly, the other mother will start the fight, leaving you with the self defense excuse if there’s a police report. Insult their parenting techniques, ass size and inability to burn a dinner properly. Never insult the child in question on the field, unless it’s really really really necessary.

9.) When it’s really really really necessary: Start small and build up. No need to open with verbal roundhouse kick to the face when a little slap will do. The fight will escalate on it’s own.

10.) Use of vehicles. Keep it on the field or in the parking lot, never involve actual cars. A real hockey mom takes care of business rinkside and doesn’t resort to the use of their Suburban.

11.) Always have a sidekick. Get another mom that can get your back. And vice versa. You’ll need someone to “hold you back” when things start getting hairy and then know when to let go. Also, she’ll be there in case the fight reaches a point where cheating is necessary.

12.) Cheating. The use of condiments, soda, a second person, unbolted chairs and cleats are never cheating. It’s cheating when that bitch gets away with it.

13.) And the last and final rule of fighting like a hockey mom: What happens in the rink stays in the rink. There will always be another game. Stooping to rumor spreading, internet spam, potluck sabotage and whining to the coach is for Wisteria Lane and junior high school girls. You’re better than that. You’re a hockey mom.