Sampa Family Holiday Survival Guide

Oh god. It’s here. The holidays. An alcohol fueled slow burn of torment, backhanded compliments, the unbearable, the senile and guh, togetherness. In a world where you’d rather poke out your eyes with a knitting needle than go over to Aunt whatevers for the day, how do survive?

Fear not, Sampa is here to help you, no matter what your place in the family might be.

What to do When You’re in Holiday Hell:

Dad- Suck it up and be the man. You’re going to have to drive there and back. Mom’s already had a gin and tonic that was mostly gin. You’re going to have to pretend that your sister in law is the nicest and best cook ever. Raise your voice so that dad can hear you but start out with “WHERE is your hearing aid?” And yes, all you are getting is books you don’t want to read, music you don’t want to listen to and engraved things you don’t want to use. Deal with it.

Mom- Remain sedated the entire time. Dad will drive. Your sister will cook and your mom is going to belittle you anyway, so why try and fight it? Let the cloud slip over you and off to your happy place. Your happy place that is far, far away from here.

Oldest Adult Child- You’re all grown up now, they’ve let you sit at the adult table, but you’d rather be still at the kids’. At least there no one is asking you why you’re not married or CEO or something. Sedate yourself slightly with booze, but not enough so that they’ll demand your keys at the end of the night and forbid you to drive home. Besides, you need to stay in a cat-like-state of readiness for all verbal attacks sure to come your way. Don’t tell stories and don’t divulge any personal information other than you have to. The less they have to work with, the better. Then divert attention to….

Oldest Child- Still at the kids table, but everyone wants to know what your future plans are. Nevermind that you don’t actually have any and revel in the fact that you can tell everyone you’re just going to become a drifter or fry cook. That should get them to leave you alone for awhile.

Middle Child- no matter how old you are, you are always the middle child. This means that you should be able to reasonably slip around undetected. Unless of course you get loaded and challenge someone to fight. Know that for one day your are truly invisible and be thankful for that. Wait ’til your birthday to complain about it.

Youngest Adult Child- Still under the radar a little while the oldest is still unmarried but your day is coming. They can’t remember if you’re in college or high school, so keep them all busy by telling half that you just graduated (but not from which one) and tell the other half that you’re working as a DJ. As long as you don’t mention medicine, law or computers they won’t be asking you for advice or favors.

Youngest Child- You’re the youngest, ride that for as long as you can. Use siblings as a shield and seek out the company of the dog that you think is hiding out in the guest bedroom on the other side of bed with the coats on it. As long as they think you’re still in elementary school, simply endure the cheek pinching and questions about your age and grade. Attention will soon be diverted elsewhere when your grandma gives her daughter-in-law a backhanded compliment on her ability to hold her liquor.

Dog- Pray that they leave you at home this year, hide, pee or scratch up something if you have to, but know as soon as your hear “but we can’t leave him in the garage ALL day” know that you ARE going. Best thing you can do is immediately upon arrival, seek shelter. Sniff out a low traffic, no cat, no other dog area and stake your claim. Once again, pee if you need to, but don’t leave that spot for anything, lest you come back and find some Pomeranian there. The kids will find you and they will feed you tidbits, if anything to escape for a few precious moments. Don’t let them stay too long though, or you’ll be discovered and made to move. Good luck.

Cat- no one cares about the cat. Even the cat.

There you have it, a surefire guide on surviving the holidays with your family, extended family and the new “uncle” your uncle brought around!