How to Avoid an H1N1 Holiday Season

This just in: Santa has Swine Flu. Is this really a surprise? He’s at least 70 years old, germ-ridden kids sit on his lap all day long, and he lives in -40 temperatures.   If anyone needs an H1N1 vaccine, it’s Santa. And you. Yes you. If you don’t want to spend the holiday season curled around a toilet, throwing up a heapin’ helpin’ of fixin’s, you’ll have to prepare.

Tips to prevent H1N1 flu-stivities

1. Cover yourself head-to-toe in a fine layer of handsanitizer. Sure, you’ll smell like a hospital and be more slippery than a sorority girl after a jello-wrestling match but you won’t get the swine-flu.

2. No hello smooches for your relatives. Nana gets a quick fist pound.

3. Wear a surgical mask to family gatherings. Not only does it make you look like a doctor (always cool), it’s homage to Michael Jackson. Get one with rhinestones for that holiday sparkle. If you can’t find a surgical mask, dust off that Halloween mask. Your family may not understand why you’re dressed like a werewolf on Christmas. Just put on a Santa hat. Done and Done.

4. Avoid shopping Black Friday. Avoid it like …the plague. Black Friday means getting up at 5:00, standing in line with coughing, diseased Wal-mart goers (the worst people on the planet) and fist fighting your way to the biggest TV. Instead of an HDTV, all you’re getting is H1N1. Shop Cyber Monday Specials online, preferably under a pile of quilts with a glass of Merlot in hand. It’s the retail holiday for slackers.

5. Don’t sit on Santa’s lap. Or make-out with him. We’re talking the average mall Santa, not the one in your weird Santa fantasies. No one whispers into Santa’s ear, “I want H1N1.” But that’s exactly what you get when you stand in a line of screaming toddlers.

6. Recoil in terror if your nephew or niece (or even your own child) coughs in your direction. Give them their present via snail mail. Don’t engage in any cookie-making parties either.