Caught in the Act? 6 Things Never to Say

The candles are lit. The satin sheets are out. Ok, scratch that. You’re a parent. The candles burned out when the baby popped out.

You have 15 minutes to get busy. And then, Little Johnny (bless his heart) bursts through the door during an exceptionally primal scene. Johnny screams like he’s been shot. You both jump to the opposite ends of the bed and fumble for magazines as if your child would really believe you were just reading Newsweek in the missionary position.

But what do you say? Here are 6 lines that will surely traumatize your child and lead him straight to a life of misery and/or serial killing.

The Compromising Position Countdown

6. “Your dad was just doing naked pushups.” How many of us just threw up in our mouths? Thinking of your parents having sex isn’t great, but thinking of your dad doing cardio naked isn’t much better. 20 years later? Johnny gets ban from his gym for doing naked pushups in the locker room.

5. “We were just wrestling.” Depending on the age, your kid may have seen an episode or two of wrestling. They know what it is and they know what you were doing is not what Jericho does to the Undertaker. Kids (well most kids) aren’t dumb.

4. “Don’t ever do what we were doing.” Your mom and I were having sex. Do you know what sex is? It’s strictly reserved for two people who love each other. Don’t ever do it. EVER. Great, now your kid thinks sex is a shameful, illegal act.  In 20 years, Johnny gets married solely so he could have sex. But he won’t enjoy it.

3. “We’re just making love, baby. No big deal.” Ok, so if your kid catches you in compromising position don’t go the hippie route and tell them how natural sex is and go into your past sexual history with your college English professor and the water polo team. No child wants to see it and then take a stroll down memory lane.  While we’re on the subject, the words “making love” make me and everyone born after 1965 want to puke. In 20 years, Johnny wants to have sex with everything and does.

2. “Let me tell you about the birds and bees.” How many of us thought the birds were doing it with the bees? And then pictured all sorts of inter-species relations – elephants and Chihuahuas, monkeys and grizzly bears, tigers and horses. A foggy metaphor is the worst way to explain sex to a child, short of a demonstration that incorporates realistic ceramic genitalia.

1. “Wait until your father gets home.” There’s no salvaging it – if you get caught in bed with another dude, Little Johnny is screwed up for life.  You’re better off pretending. Think about it: the lights are low. The kid probably slammed the door shut before he got a good glimpse of the guy. If your misteress can keep his mouth shut, it’s smooth sailing.

Get a lock on the door.  Johnny survives the next 20 years thinking his parents never have sex.