Baby, It’s Cold Outside = Worst Christmas Pageant Theme Ever

I was watching Elf the other day. Don’t get me wrong, it’s an awesome holiday family movie that doesn’t involve any R-rated controversy (well, not that I know of). But then there’s that part in the movie where Zooey Deschanel and Will Ferrell sing a duet of Baby, It’s Cold Outside. I’ve always thought the song is an innocent ditty about the weather, but after watching these two speak the words, I started to ask myself, “What the heck are they talking about?”

I really can’t stay – Baby it’s cold outside
I’ve got to go away – Baby it’s cold outside
This evening has been – Been hoping that you’d drop in
So very nice – I’ll hold your hands, they’re just like ice
My mother will start to worry – Beautiful, what’s your hurry
My father will be pacing the floor – Listen to the fireplace roar
So really I’d better scurry – Beautiful, please don’t hurry
Well maybe just a half a drink more – Put some music on while I pour

It sounds like this poor girl’s family will set up a search party if she doesn’t get home in an hour. Baby, It’s Cold Outside – Forget weather. It’s just some dude using an excuse to trap a cute co-ed between the sheets.

I’ve been pitching this idea around the Sampa family for some days now, and every time I get the same reaction. “There are tons of misleading Christmas songs.” Anyone can agree with that. I believed for 20 years that I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause was actually about a kid catching his mother making out with old St. Nick, and he didn’t know if he should tell his father. White Christmas sounds racist and Santa Claus himself is weird old man who thinks it’s his job to hand out candy after kids sit on his lap.

But, Baby, It’s Cold Outside is different. The whole song is undeniably about date rape. Look at the rest of the lyrics:

The neighbors might think – Baby, it’s bad out there
Say, what’s in this drink – No cabs to be had out there
I wish I knew how – Your eyes are like starlight
To break the spell – I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell
I ought to say no, no, no, sir – Mind if I move closer
At least I’m gonna say that I tried – What’s the sense in hurting my pride?
I really can’t stay – Baby don’t hold out
Ahh, but it’s cold outside

Baby it’s cold outside

Seriously. Say, what’s in this drink? I know they didn’t have roofies back then, but it’s safe to say this girl finally caved after she was too drunk to make up her mind.

Why is this a holiday song? Well, after a little Wiki action, turns out Baby, It’s Cold Outside was actually part of a sound track. First premiering in the 1949 movie Neptune’s Daughter, the song won the Oscar for best song in a comedy or musical. In the movie, female character finds herself in a married man’s bachelor apartment. In this oh- so Donald Draper moment, the only conceivable time of the year for an unmarried woman (still living at home based on lines 5-6, 22-24) to visit a married man’s apartment alone during a snowstorm during the 1940′s would be on Christmas Eve.

Baby, It’s Cold Outside is a fun and catchy song, but it gets a nostalgic pass by the PC police. Enjoy this one all you want, but when it comes to year’s Christmas pageant, think less “holding her against her will” and more mutant glowing reindeer.