Keeping your Kid Behaved: Alternatives to Child Leashes

In a society where parenting advice doesn’t permit the use of the word “no” with kids, child leashes seem like a pretty sweet way to wrangle a kid.

Parents get away with this practice by writing it off as protection from tripping over shoelaces, speeding cars, gum stuck to the sidewalk, and other nasty stuff. It’s OCD in a ripe form, but it certainly does the trick.

However tempting it may be to simply leash and contain, harnessing your child is like using table salt: it’s the most over-used and boring solution. It’s time to get creative and check out the rest of the spice cabinet.

Squirt Guns

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The next time you’re at a restaurant with your kid and actually want to eat your food, a leash might not cut it. Our parenting advice points toward stepping it up to a squirt gun. Tugging on your kid’s choke-chain to get them to behave looks pretty medieval. If done discreetly, such as under the table where your punk kid is probably crawling around, a quick squirt can whip him into shape in seconds without getting you both 86’d.

Plus, if anyone does catch you, you’ll look like the coolest parent alive for bonding with your child in such a fun manner. Careful, you might be solicited for parenting advice.

Nerf Guns

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When in public, a squirt gun might not always be the most effective option, like when it’s raining. Let’s discuss the many advantages of Nerf guns.

To begin, just packing a Nerf gun allows you to channel your inner child and get on Sampa Jr.’s level. This encourages buy-in from your kid. Also, a one-sided Nerf war is a guaranteed win (just tell curious strangers that you’re teaching your child the value of sharing). And, every other kid within visible range will ask their parents why they aren’t as badass as you.

Then you can remind Sampa Jr. of how lucky he is to be your child, so he better shape up.

A Giant Bubble

Is little Susie running you ragged by darting out in front of speeding cars in your neighborhood? Forget tethering her to a post in the yard. The neighbors might tweet images of it and report you to CPS. Instead, stick her in a giant transparent bubble out in the front yard. Make sure the bubble has a stand, or she might roll off like a hamster in a ball. Oh, and definitely remember to ventilate. Shade only. Remember grade school when you learned about the “greenhouse effect”? Keep it cool in there. Details details….

One, it’ll look like some super rockin’ kid’s fort or blow-up plaything.

Two, she can see her surroundings, just like when she’s leashed in the front yard.

Three, and most importantly, there’s zero risk of her chewing her way through the bubble and misbehaving.

Remember…

The parenting world can be your oyster. Use this as a jumping-off point for boundless child-rearing creativity. Child leashes are child’s play.