Adult Chocolate Milk Puts the “Fun” Back Into “Functional Alcoholic”

Often times I find parenting advice to be very narrow-minded. It’s either something like “how to get them to eat their vegetables,” or “the best way to discipline your kids.” There’s never any advice on how to cut loose and act irresponsibly while simultaneously maintaining a unified front as a parent in control.

It’s time to change that notion. Thanks to the good folks at Adult Beverage Co., irresponsible parents everywhere have a new way to stealthily get their drink on without necessarily setting a bad example for their kids.

Take a look at Adult Chocolate Milk, a vodka-infused beverage that tastes like the delicious childhood drink with an alcoholic aftertaste. While the fact that it’s chocolate milk may turn off some booze hounds out there, take heed; these bottles pack a 40-proof punch to really get the minivan rocking.

Just imagine all the possibilities with this new product. Think of all the times you’ve pushed your kid on the swing set, your head splitting with a massive headache due to all the diabolically joyous shrieks of the surrounding children at play. If only you had a delicious alcoholic beverage to drown your sorrows in. Adult Chocolate Milk is perhaps the only drink that could deliver what you need without betraying you to the children as a raging alcoholic.

Other benefits include:

• Being the cool parent in the back of the auditorium who’s secretly buzzing at one of those godawful elementary orchestra recitals.
• Lowered inhibitions at heckling the umpire/opposing team at your daughter’s T-ball game.
• Instinctively hitting on the teacher while going over your son’s report card at the next parent-teacher conference.

In case you have any lingering doubts about the legitimacy of this product, all you have to know is that beloved 90’s R&B legend Ginuwine has signed on to be Adult Chocolate Milk’s trusty spokesperson. I mean, if there’s anyone who knows a thing or two about milky smoothness, it’s Ginuwine.

Just make sure amidst all you milk chugging, you don’t allow your beverages to fall in the wee-ones’ hands, or else they could end up like this tragic milk junkie: