How to Turn Your Kid into a Major BadAss
A little parenting advice from the mother of a bad ass Sampa kid: You don’t want to be the mom of a sniffling, can’t-stand-up-for-himself toddler. First – it’s heartbreaking to watch your kid come home with LOSER post-its on his back and tears in his eyes.
Second, if he has a packed social calendar, it means you won’t have to spend every. Friday. night home watching reruns of “Avatar, the Last Air Bender.” He’ll be invited to sleepover after sleepover. He won’t be forced to bring you to prom. You’ll never have to pack a second lunch or confront a bullies’ parents.
It’s good to be King.
It starts when they’re young. Very young. Give your kid an edge when they’re in diapers and reduce the social Darwinism that takes place on every playground in America.
Step 1: Pick an Awesome Name
Now is NOT the time to be creative. You’re not naming a kitten, you’re naming a child. Don’t think outside the box! Nicole Richie named her son “Sparrow James Midnight.” WTF?
Richie, we know it’s your coke habit and/or anorexia but you shouldn’t name boys after drab little birds. Especially not after an avian that chirps incessantly. At four in the morning. $10 that Nicole Richie’s son turns into the “obnoxious weird kid.”
Sparrow – a tiny brown bird that tends to chirp incessantly in the wee morning hours when I’m just trying to get some f*cking sleep. Or a kid that’s destined to be homeschooled because he’s picked apart by bigger, meaner kids (named Crow.)
Sparrow is begging for a future face punching. Walker (the name of Taye Digg’s son) tells the other babies in the sandbox to step down. Simple as that.
Step 2: Bad Ass Baby Attire
A way to use those leftover ice-cream cones
Just because your child is fresh from the uterus, doesn’t mean they have to wear pastels. Start getting them in the right gear early – camo says, “killer kid” year round.
- A leather onesie.
- A pacifier made out of gold chains.
- An ear piercing
Voila! Your kid is the boss on the playground. No more bruises. No more stolen lunches. No more mopping up his tears.
Facial Hair side note: Infants unfortunately can’t grow facial hair or I’d advise you to put a little Rogaine on their upper lip – the earlier they can grow a mustache, the better.
But really pay attention to their hairstyle. Wisps of peach fuzz tell the playground bullies to “steal my toys. Make me cry.” A tennis mullet, classic baby mohawk, or rat tail (especially a long, stringy one) tells the other kids “You better recognize.”
Consider getting your child a really bad ass pet. Like a cobra. But wait until they’re old enough. Cobras can and will swallow babies.
Step 3: Select a Theme Song
Every wrestler has one. Every boxer has one. Every President should have one. We’re talking theme songs. Who says your baby shouldn’t have a theme song? It’s an American right.
Don’t pick a sucktacular theme song. Nothing by the Jonas Brothers, Bette Midler, or Celine Dion. To be specific, you want a song about someone from the wrong side of the tracks who’s ready at.all.times to throw down.
May I suggest:
- Beat on the Brat
- Can You Dig It Sucka
- You’re the Best Around (Karate Kid = Bad Ass Kid)
- Eye of the Tiger
- MIA’s Paper Planes
And that’s all you need to do to create one kid that will never be teased, bullied, or beat up. Comment below with your favorite Bad Ass Kid Theme Songs!
