Blare the trumpets.  Sound the cow bells. Crank up the synthesizer!  We are down to the king of all the WTF toys in our series.  If you’re wondering why I’m so amped,  I’ve been listening to the ‘final countdown’ while chugging down some Costco-sized portions of red bull.  I highly recommend you play the video below while you read.

The number one WTF toy is none other than the mini hammock.  The what, you ask?  Don’t let the name fool you… while it doesn’t get quite the WTF reaction as the mouthy cabbage patch doll or the jart dart throwing missile, it’s a “sleeper” (pun-errific, right?) when it comes to the damage it has done.  Even today, I’m only comfortable with one kind of hammock – the kind that safely nestles all your fruit in one place, if you get what I’m sayin’.

Yeah. A banana hammock, of course! And no, I wasn’t referring to the OTHER banana hammock. Get your mind out of the gutter people.

Anyways, I’m sure the company behind this gem had good intentions, trying to portray fun and relaxation when marketing their product.  They probably pictured kids drifting away in a hammock tied between two palm trees with an (non alcoholic) umbrella drink nearby.  What actually happened was more like: a wildly frantic child clawing her way out of a killer net.

Some kids got away while some… well… you’ll see.

1. The Hang (Yourself) Ten Mini Hammock

The EZ Sales ‘Hang Ten’ Mini Hammock was just one variation of many mini hammock companies.  There were several companies that sold the mini hammock in the mid-80s to mid-90s, but Hang Ten chose the unfortunate branding moniker of… ‘Hang Ten’.  It seems like a bad omen, foretelling the inevitable events to come, if you ask me.

Initially, I was thinking how the heck you would win a Darwin Award for messing with a hammock.  Then it hit me.

Have you ever tried to chillax in one of these wretched contraptions?  I have.  And let me tell you, there’s nothing breezy or relaxing about it. My first, and last, experience was insane.

I was over at my friend Chewbacca’s house (name changed to protect the innocent) and saw a hanging net thing in the backyard.  I had never see one before and asked him what it was.  He told me it was a ‘hammock’ and you can do things like sleep in it.  I was overjoyed and before he was able to warn me, I already had one leg in.  As a kid, I was always over-eager to try new things.  What ensued was painfully hilarious.

When I tried to get in, the damn thing wobbled back and forth so much that it judo flipped me.  Next thing I know, I’m on the ground sucking air like a fish out of water in the fetal position – not exactly something your typical 10-year-old enjoys.  I was  even more determined to get in.  After several attempts, when I finally made it in, I was anything but comfortable.  I think he tied the hammock to the trees incorrectly because I remember distinctly feeling like captured prey tightly wound in a cocoon – of death.

Trying to get out was a whole ‘nother story.  Without going into too much detail, I was, again, flipped out, except for the fact that I landed on my head.  I’m not sure if that resulted in a concussion, but seeing stars in the day time is never a good thing.  I believe I was one of the lucky ones to make it out alive.

Taking into account my own experience with the death hammock, I can see why kids had troubles with this contraption.

Actually, twelve children between the ages of as young as five up to seventeen were entangled and asphyxiated to death.  That’s 12 deaths at the hand of the mini hammock and who knows how many unreported injuries.

The 10 manufacturers and importers that made the mini hammocks agreed to recall 3 MILLION of these death traps mini hammocks.  At roughly $6 to $16 a piece, that’s a lot of bank.

Apparently, the problem was that these mini hammocks were the jellyfish equivalent of the hammock kingdom, meaning they had no spine, and nothing to stabilize it once you got in. The essential spreader bars (which you can see a part of, above) that were supposed to be affixed to the top and bottom of the mini hammock were missing and was the probable cause for the destruction.  This, in addition to the ‘holey’ design, meant inevitable fingers and other parts getting caught/possibly ripped off.

I can understand how the younger kids were ‘done-in’, but how does someone, who’s supposed to be old enough to drive, get death by entanglement?  Also, what the heck was he/she doing in a mini hammock?

It doesn’t seem like we’re the only ones having troubles with our ‘hammocks’ –

Death by hammock. What a way to go…

Well, that’s it for the 5 WTF toy series.  I hope you had as much fun reading them as I did writing them.  There were so many other great WTF toys that didn’t make the list this time, but maybe there will be a part deux in the future.

Until Next Time!

Sampa Dad