5 Reasons All Children Should Drink (and As Soon As Possible)
America has a MAJOR problem. Our children don’t drink. Consequently, they grow up fascinated by the mystique of alcohol and, at first opportunity, go out and act like jackasses on spring break, playing strip Jenga whilst licking cheap tequila off Mexican hookers. Do you want your son or daughter playing strip Jenga whilst licking cheap [...]
6 Reasons Child Labor is the Only Labor worth Having
People always talk about 6-year-olds working in coal mines like that was a bad thing. But those tunnels were narrow; a grown-up would have gotten stuck. That’s called problem-solving, y’all. Did these bleeding-heart “children’s advocates” want everyone to be cold? Didn’t they see Jim Carrey’s “A Christmas Carol”? Shit got chilly back then. Coal was [...]
10 Ways to Punish Your Kids (Without Leaving Bruises)
Punishment is a tricky subject to discuss with most parents. While some think a belt’s secondary purpose is to keep pants up, others feel that mere sarcasm warrants a CPS visit (those people, of course, are morons). How can one discipline their child without inviting a visit from the Bleeding Heart Gestapo? Below are 10 [...]
8 Must-Have Children’s Books
If you’re a good parent (like yours truly), you encourage your child to read as much as possible. Books teach such valuable lessons! They shape our world views, strengthen our moral convictions and provide windows into the lives of others. Below are eight children’s books that should be on every kid’s shelf. Maggie Goes on [...]
7 Must-Dos When Preparing Your Kid for Kindergarten
Starting elementary school is an alarming, unrelenting descent into hell for many kids. They go from the loving cocoon of parental affection to a place where breaking a crayon could get a bitch cut (probably with safety scissors, but still…) Your kid will be bulletproof at school, however, if he’s seen, heard and experienced it [...]
How to Make Your Kid a Serial Killer in 3 Easy Steps
Some parents dream of their child being president. Others imagine their kid’s professional baseball career or tenure as a NASA scientist. Me? I dream my son – my beautiful, bright-eyed boy – will become a serial killer. Now, not everyone’s cut out to be a homicidal maniac. Like any other skill, it requires inclination, aptitude [...]
Judging Your Parenting Skills: The Glenn Beck Test
Being a parent is hard; you put your heart and soul into raising a child hoping that your efforts will someday pay off and your son or daughter will grow up to be a good person. It’s not smooth sailing, so to speak, as every day has its challenges. When your children are little, they [...]
Son of a…Politician: Let Kids Be Kids
The children of politicians and figureheads do not get a free pass on anything when it comes to making mistakes. Even if they don’t make a mistake, these kids can often get some unfair criticism.
Another Thing Kids Should Never Touch- Money
There is a crazy amount of germs on money. Keep you’re children away from all the harmful contaminants
Nothing a Good Slap Can’t Solve
Life can be hard for your children, especially if they’re susceptible to being picked on. Obviously you can’t help giving birth to a kid who clearly won’t live up to the family name, but what you can do is teach them the necessary skills to protect themselves from the inevitable bullying that will encompass their [...]