America has a MAJOR problem. Our children don’t drink. Consequently, they grow up fascinated by the mystique of alcohol and, at first opportunity, go out and act like jackasses on spring break, playing strip Jenga whilst licking cheap tequila off Mexican hookers. Do you want your son or daughter playing strip Jenga whilst licking cheap [...]
People always talk about 6-year-olds working in coal mines like that was a bad thing. But those tunnels were narrow; a grown-up would have gotten stuck. That’s called problem-solving, y’all. Did these bleeding-heart “children’s advocates” want everyone to be cold? Didn’t they see Jim Carrey’s “A Christmas Carol”? Shit got chilly back then. Coal was [...]
Punishment is a tricky subject to discuss with most parents. While some think a belt’s secondary purpose is to keep pants up, others feel that mere sarcasm warrants a CPS visit (those people, of course, are morons). How can one discipline their child without inviting a visit from the Bleeding Heart Gestapo? Below are 10 [...]
If you’re a good parent (like yours truly), you encourage your child to read as much as possible. Books teach such valuable lessons! They shape our world views, strengthen our moral convictions and provide windows into the lives of others. Below are eight children’s books that should be on every kid’s shelf. Maggie Goes on [...]
Starting elementary school is an alarming, unrelenting descent into hell for many kids. They go from the loving cocoon of parental affection to a place where breaking a crayon could get a bitch cut (probably with safety scissors, but still…) Your kid will be bulletproof at school, however, if he’s seen, heard and experienced it [...]
Some parents dream of their child being president. Others imagine their kid’s professional baseball career or tenure as a NASA scientist. Me? I dream my son – my beautiful, bright-eyed boy – will become a serial killer. Now, not everyone’s cut out to be a homicidal maniac. Like any other skill, it requires inclination, aptitude [...]
I have just experienced the most mind-numbingly painful moments of my life. No, I did not experience some odd medical phenomena that turned me into a human vegetable. But I did just listen to music that had the same affect. I was on the verge of jamming a pencil into my eardrums to stop such horrid sounds from being able to penetrate my mind when it at last, the terrible noises ended.
You may think this is nonsense, but we here at Sampa have found indisputable proof that babies, especially the cute ones that you want to take home with you, are evil demons slowly taking over our souls.
The creators of the fourth meal just made your drunken teenage fantasy come alive. Taco Bell and Doritos have combined forces to create the first nacho cheese taco shell made entirely from Doritos chips.
Last week, Taylor Dill-Reese and her Detroit-area family went out to dinner at Applebee’s just like any other unsuspecting suburban family would on a Friday night. However, she got an unexpected surprise after ordering a drink for her one-year-old son, Dominick…